Social Saturday errands

I took Robin up Philo with me this morning. We were long overdue for a good catch up! Then ran around doing errands and saw someone almost everywhere I went: Jan and Larry while picking up the dry cleaning, Deborah at Costco, John in the Shelburne Supermarket parking lot and Mia inside. What a treat to see and chat with so many people! Made my day.

The girl who gets gifts from birds - BBC News

I'm reading The Inner Life of Animals and the author, Peter Wohlleben refers to this story:

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-31604026

This little 8 year old girl has been feeding crows since she was 4. And they are bringing her things they find in nature that are ours - broken bits of things and even a small heart.

Read it - you'll never think of crows the same way again.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is hard, about you, a journey and the ultimate freedom. Forgiveness does not mean that you think what the person did is ok. It does not mean you need to have that person in your life ever again.

I honestly never thought I could forgive him. The laundry list of what he did to me that deserved an apology was long and populated with some pretty awful things. Betrayal, anger, resentment, lies, broken trust, massive disrespect, yelling, swearing, name calling, lack of financial support, the trying to get alimony from me in the divorce(!!), the disappearance from parenting - just to name a few. Pretty much the only thing not on the list was physical abuse. And for that, I am thankful.

I honestly felt and expected that he would and should take responsibility for all the above and own it. Admit that he did all that and say he was sorry. After the divorce he kept telling his family and the kids that he really wanted to have a relationship with me - to which I said that he'd have to acknowledge and apologize for that to ever happen.

When I started therapy in 2016 the first thing Alison asked me was what I wanted out of the sessions with her. "I don't want to be angry", I told her becauseI know that anger and resentment only hurt - no wait, DESTROY the person who holds it.

The first thing I did was identify all the things I thought he owed me an apology for. It was hard to believe how much there was when I saw it in list format. It was so much I think I already knew he was never going to own it all. No way. But I still wanted it. 

Then I had to really come to terms with the fact that he was never going to apologize or take responsibility for any of it. And that meant that I had to let go of my expectations - ie have none. And that was hard. I did a lot of writing emails to him that I only sent myself and that helped a lot. When I hit send it really didn't matter that my words weren't going to him because he'd never "hear" them anyway. 

The other thing was that at that point we weren't communicating anyway - so there was no way we could even have a conversation about all he did. I was going to have to do this alone and make it all about me. A healthier me.

As the months crept on I found myself crying less - yes, I cried myself to sleep every night for a long time - hurting, in pain, suffering a huge loss and in total disbelief that the man I loved could do any of this to me and not seem to care enough to even apologize. The financial part was really tough. I had bills to pay and he would just say that he had done it for 25 years and now it was my turn. Financial insecurity is an entirely different kind of hell.

I started to be ok with the fact that I had no idea what my future held and almost started to thrive on the idea that I didn't know. And once you accept that fully it's actually kind of exciting to NOT know. Now I think life would be boring if I knew because I'm open to any idea or opportunity and just seeing where it goes. Some of my favorite experiences have come from my spontaneity. 

Years went by and I was slowly realizing that I didn't have that expectation that he would ever apologize. That was huge. I accepted it. He's never going to apologize. 

I did some reading about forgiveness where I learned that forgiving doesn't mean that I have to actually talk to him and say I forgive you. In fact, I could forgive and never see him again. And most importantly I never really understood that when you forgive it's for you - a gift you give yourself because you're releasing any anger or resentment and the past. And the past. 

So I made the decision to forgive, give myself that gift and close the door on the past.

None of this happened overnight. It's been a long road with the past two years really being the ones that threw me to the other side. Things fell into place (ok that made it sound much easier than it was) with my many jobs. I love what I do, I feel so proud of my work. I have a purpose everyday and I am passionate about all I do. And somehow all of this made me realize the importance of letting go - living in the present. Today. And living through a lens of open awareness, love, gratitude, appreciation and being true to me.

It wasn't easy, in fact it was all just awful, but I am also so proud of the journey and path I've taken and I've put it all behind me. I feel a joy and a fire and excitement from within that I can't really put words to. At least not yet.

On Clutter

"There are four types of clutter: paper, digital, emotional, and spiritual," she says. "Physical and digital clutter are symptoms of emotional and spiritual clutter."

"...three things contribute to clutter: lack of focus, lack of systems, and lack of support."

"At its core, clutter is delayed decisions."

https://www.fastcompany.com/90733774/4-types-of-clutter-that-stop-you-from-achieving-your-purpose?

VLI

I was asked for a quote about my VLI experience:

"I had always heard great things about the VLI, but I wasn't really sure how my entrepreneurial background would fit into the program. On a whim, I decided to apply the day before the applications were due, and it turned out to be one of my better spontaneous ideas. Having the opportunity to learn from those in my class who work in the public and nonprofit sectors and then having direct access to so many of our leaders in government was an eye opening experience for me. I have a new found respect for the complex systems in which we all live, but more importantly, understanding the challenges to creating systemic change. Ultimately, it's relationships and understanding the lens with which someone comes to the table. The VLI has a unique, intimate way of fostering connections and engagement among Vermont's leaders that can lead to new initiatives and innovative thinking."

Bailey's Obit

should be dated Dec 15, 2020

My beloved Bailey is now sniffing her way through endless grassy fields finding all the angel bunnies she never found. I know she's also so happy to be reunited with her old pals - Philo, Rudder, Astro, Rosie, Carlos and Wally. Those are just a few of the names that she remembered and put up her ears and cocked her head whenever she heard them.

She was with me 24/7 and helped me get through some very difficult years. She knew I needed her and gave me that look of support, and you can do this when we locked eyes. She gave me endless love, snuggles and understood, not only me but also a lot of my words. I could almost have a conversation with her. Really.

If she knew you she greeted you with her excited wagging tail and the cutest little hello-I'm-so-happy-to-see-you-sounds. She'd expect you to say hello, give her ears a rub and then she'd swing around and expect you to give her a little butt rub. She was no fool, she knew the power of a good massage. She also had the best smile.

As we drove back home this morning in silence, I was sitting in the backseat with tears streaming down my cheeks. Not 2 minutes later the sun found its way to my face. I could feel the warmth - she sent me those rays. She knew how much I love and need the sun and how much I've been missing it lately. It felt so good.

We walked Thompson's Point in her memory, a walk we must have done together hundreds and hundreds of times. It was cold but sunny and beautiful, and we shared our favorite Bailey stories.

Back at home, the wood stove is roaring, but the house is cold and empty even though there are 4 of us here. Everywhere we look we see her. Our hearts are heavy. Our souls are aching. Oh how we miss our Bailey girl. The void is palpable. Rest In Peace my love.

--

Louisa Schibli

--

"Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you." – Ruth Bader Ginsburg

On Foregiveness

Look at the 3rd idea of the day from the Aspen Institute.

"....forgiveness exists separately from reconciliation, and also from accountability — which is why forgiving someone doesn't require an apology or even their participation. "Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy between two or more people trying to make their way back together to mutual trust," explains Enright, whereas forgiveness is a one-way endeavor. Put another way: Forgiveness might be a step on the path to reconciliation, but you don't have to traverse the full route if you'd prefer not to."

"When you forgive someone, it doesn't mean you have to have any kind of ongoing relationship with them," Davis says. "It's an internal shift, where you're no longer carrying the wound in the same way."

Think of forgiveness as something you're doing primarily for yourself.

Yes. Exactly.