2020 in an image

I saw your father today

> Dear M, Dear R, Dear B, and Dear W,
> It was wonderful to see him looking so well. As you know, his perfect, courtly, manners have survived all the challenges he's facing. He showed me his room and escorted me around his floor, speaking of one area (the dining room) as though it were a school. This was a bit confusing as the students appeared to be so old, but he was a gracious host if not a reliable guide. All the staff love him (and they all had very nice things to say about all of you). He seems quite happy at Hillside, having adopted a proprietary attitude toward the place: "We do this or that here", always "we", which I think betokens content and some degree of pride. He didn't complain about anything except once - when he said "It's too bad we have to get old". (Needless to say, I immediately expressed enthusiastic agreement.) When I brought up memories of events from the distant past - such as dancing to loud music from "Hair" in front of the fireplace in your house in Sherborne after too many martinis in the late 1960's - they seemed to spark a brief moment of recognition - visible in his expression - which however quickly trailed off into other unrelated remarks which I couldn't follow. Many terms and phrases from his years in the real estate business popped up in odd places: square footage, development, rental rates, easements, etc. which as far as I could tell didn't really relate to whatever we'd been talking about.
> It was a bittersweet experience - the bitter part attributable to what's been lost and the sweet part arising from the realization that so much of the essence of the man has survived. He is a very lovable man and I think you should all find some comfort in the fact that he appears to be comfortable and content in his current circumstances. I'm looking forward to my next visit.
> With much love, Uncle Frank

This is just so beautiful. Breaks and warms my heart at the same time. He has a way with words, my father.

When G met F

On my nightly call with Mom she shared the story of how they met. A story I never knew. 

They met on Januray 8th, 1963 ata Viennese restaurant on Oxford Street. 

Mom was there with her friend Margaret from Finland and Dad was with his friend Sahid, a Pakastani communist. 

Mom was at the London School of English - part of Oxford University - a program for foreign students. She had arrived in London on August of 1962 and was a nanny for three families thoughout her time there. She had gone to London with her boyfriend at the time, Anton Ulman aka Tün. His father owned a Mercedes dealership in Düsseldorf so when Mom flew over he picked her up at the airport in his Mercedes. His Dad had wanted him to learn English, which is why Tün was there, although he only stayed for 6 weeks. 

Mom said his parents hired a detective? She said that would be a story for another time. 

Back to Mom and Dad. My question was how on earth did they both know Sahid? Dad had come to London on an 8 day trip from New York to South Hampton. On the boat he met a girl who had invited him to a New Year's Eve party and he went! That's where he met Sahid - who Mom knew because he was also a stident at the London School of English. Dad and Sahid became friends. 

So back to the restautant, Dad and Sahid were having dinner and Sahid recognized Mom and Margaret and motioned them over to say hello. Sahid was an older man and an "real, old fashion gentleman". Everyone loved Sahad. So they ended up joining them for dinner. Apparently Dad had asked Sahid if he knew those girls and said "I like the little blond one." At the end of dinner Dad asked Mom out for dinner. 

They ended up having lunch because Mom was in school. 

There you have it, the story of how Mom and Dad met.

On Freedom. My Freedom.

Freedom n. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

What does Freedom mean to you? What odes it mean t be free? Are you free?

I think it's a lot more about what's going on inside you as opposed to if you are actually free to come and go as you please. In the years that it was just Bailey and me I felt free. But I only felt that way after I had worked through all the hurt and pain that the wasband caused me. And that was hard work. Years of therapy to work my way through it all. As I was coming out on the other end I began to feel this sense of freedom. It was like I had had a noose around my neck before and as that noose was released I felt free.

I used describing the image of me driving down a huge long road in a convertible with my hair flying wild and crazy in the wind. 

But then Bailey died. The kids all left and I was alone. Alone without another beating heart for the first time in my life. And it was January. It was hard. I cried a lot. Threw myself into work and was generally speaking alone alone 24/7, because we were also still in a pandemic. 

My sleep pattern changed and I was waking up earlier than I have ever woken up in my entire life. Bailey and I were sleepers - sometimes not even stirring until 8. Yes, 8. And with her no longer to snuggle with I was up at 6. What does one do at 6am? besides scroll around on your phone - read the NYT, the Skimm, Morning Brew and check out FB and IG.

I'm not sure how it started - but I think it's because I saw someone posting a photo from the top of Mt. Philo every morning. There I was lying in bed and this person was at the top of Mt. Philo posting a photo. Given that I had been exercising every day since April 17, 2020 this might be a great idea to get my ass out there on these cold winter mornings and get some exercise before I sat in front of my computer for 10-12 hours.

So that's when it started and before I knew it, it became a routine. A routine. Something I have NEVER had in my entire life. I thought I was anti routine, but it turns out routine is good, really really good for me.

As I went everyday and spent a lot of time with myself I realized that I got to know myself even better and found that I actually like me and like spending time with me, myself and I. 

On another note, I've been getting the Brainpickings newsletter for over a decade now and love what Maria writes - she's very thought provoking. I went down that rabbit hole this morning and found these 2 quotes. 

"....the willingness to embrace uncertainty, live with mystery, and make peace with ambiguity; “In order to make progress, one must leave the door to the unknown ajar,”

Simone de Beauvoir on Vitality, the Measure of Intelligence, and What Freedom Really Means – Brain Pickings

“Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life — is the source from which self-respect springs,” Joan Didion famously wrote in 1968, and it was perhaps Beauvoir reverberating through her words.

Joan Didion on Self-Respect – Brain Pickings 

Yes. Freedom. 

To me, Freedom means to be a okay with living with uncertainty, actually embracing it and self respect - truly loving you and taking care of you mentally, physically and emotionally. And then living with a sense of purpose - I LOVE the work I do. I am excited to wake up every day to work out, to eat well, to spend time with myself, my family and my friends and do work that is meaningful and making an impact on the things that are important to me.

"What I'm passionate about" is another post.