Resilience and Responsibility

My dear children,

As I've been moving on these past few months (which have been some of the most difficult), I've had a lot of time to reflect. I've learned a lot about resilience and discovering strengths within me I never thought I had.

Resilience is something you learn. You learn that you can pick up the pieces and move on. When unexpected, bad things happen learn from them, find a silver lining, grow and take the next step. Know that there is always a silver lining and being able to pick up the pieces and put them back together in another way that allows you to move forward.

A friend (PLR) shared something with me yesterday that she saw on Facebook. She said, "Saw on FB and you exemplify this, so difficult, but empowering. You go girl!". It's Will Smith from the Evolve Blog and it's called Fault vs. Responsibility.

Now I don't know that I exemplify this and actually never thought of the way I have been dealing with this entire nightmare in these terms. But the more I think about it does describe how I have chosen to live.

It's not my fault that he cheated on me, betrayed me, lied to me and left me. Those were his decisions and he will have to live with the consequences. It's his fault, not mine. But it's never been worth my time to focus on the fault bit. I don't wish him any harm - he'll get what he deserves from making those choices. Karma. What goes around comes around.

I'm a firm believer of taking responsibility. If you make a mistake - in a friendship, at work, in a marriage, in an accident. Own it. Take responsibility that you did something wrong and be prepared to face the consequences. Say you're sorry. You can't pretend you didn't do it. You can't ignore it. It won't go away. Because you did it. But stand up, have a backbone and admit when you did something wrong and take responsibility. Not only is it the right thing to do but you will feel so good.

The same thing goes about taking responsibility for your life. Don't blame others for things wrong in your life. I could focus on blaming Dad for all the horrible he did to me. As hard as it is has been I have focusing on surviving and taking responsibility for my life. I work hard, very hard. And I'm trying my best to make my new life, whatever and wherever that might be. I'm not perfect, far from it, but do my best everyday to create something new for me and for you. Yes, he did and said all these horrible things but what I am going to doing about me? My life?

If there's anything I can teach you from this mess we've been through it's to take responsibility. If Dad had taken responsibility we wouldn't be where we are today. But because I did take responsibility we are where we are today.

We are survivors and living our lives despite choices that changed our lives forever. We have been resilient and taking responsibility. And for that I am so proud of us and how we have moved forward.

Resilience and responsibility.

Afterthoughts

I'm two months out from hearing the divorce was final. That day brought relief, a renewed energy and excitement fro my future. All that "fighting" and ridiculousness of what he wanted was finally over. A huge relief to finally be able to close that chapter.

But when I woke up the next morning, I was taken by surprise. A sadness and emptiness so unexpected had dropped it's gnarly claws into me. And heavy, weighing me down with the enormity of what had actually transpired these last years.

So many years together: three children, ups and downs, trips, adventures, jobs, international moves, new businesses, health scares and of course, his first affair.

Yes, there is the issue of that affair.

He wanted to come back and I agreed to take him back. He organized for us to renew our vows and we moved - to the place that he had always dreamed of living. His dream. Not mine. But I happily followed and lead the way to embrace our new home and community. I loved him and believed in us and the future and strength of us. After what we had been though with that first affair and the rebuilding we had done, I didn't think he'd ever cross that line again.

I was wrong.

In hindsight, he was depressed at the time of the first affair and had labeled me as the cost of his family and not as a partner raising his family. I didn't make that up - the Swiss couples therapist we went to told him that. He was right and we should have stayed in therapy to work through that connection. If I replay all the accusations in this round - I took his money, I spent his money etc etc. It's all the same thing it was in 2001. It was all masked because he was making money so didn't have to worry about. I feel bad for him that he has connected his self esteem and send worth with the amount of money he has in the bank - but that's a by product of an empty soul - someone who really has no deep emotions and lives on the peripheral of the meaning of life.