Afterthoughts

I'm two months out from hearing the divorce was final. That day brought relief, a renewed energy and excitement fro my future. All that "fighting" and ridiculousness of what he wanted was finally over. A huge relief to finally be able to close that chapter.

But when I woke up the next morning, I was taken by surprise. A sadness and emptiness so unexpected had dropped it's gnarly claws into me. And heavy, weighing me down with the enormity of what had actually transpired these last years.

So many years together: three children, ups and downs, trips, adventures, jobs, international moves, new businesses, health scares and of course, his first affair.

Yes, there is the issue of that affair.

He wanted to come back and I agreed to take him back. He organized for us to renew our vows and we moved - to the place that he had always dreamed of living. His dream. Not mine. But I happily followed and lead the way to embrace our new home and community. I loved him and believed in us and the future and strength of us. After what we had been though with that first affair and the rebuilding we had done, I didn't think he'd ever cross that line again.

I was wrong.

In hindsight, he was depressed at the time of the first affair and had labeled me as the cost of his family and not as a partner raising his family. I didn't make that up - the Swiss couples therapist we went to told him that. He was right and we should have stayed in therapy to work through that connection. If I replay all the accusations in this round - I took his money, I spent his money etc etc. It's all the same thing it was in 2001. It was all masked because he was making money so didn't have to worry about. I feel bad for him that he has connected his self esteem and send worth with the amount of money he has in the bank - but that's a by product of an empty soul - someone who really has no deep emotions and lives on the peripheral of the meaning of life.