After 3 months of soaking in the reality of what he has done to me - and to my children - and how miserable I have felt. Depressed. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Cheated. Etc, I'm going to dig even deeper and try to change MY story.
No one even cares anymore about what Mark did to me. It's old news. Passé. It happened. It's over. The divorce is final. The divorce - as though it was one event and now everything should be fine as I should move on.
Really? Twenty seven years married. 32 together. I'm 51. You do the math. You don't just move on. It took years to get here. It will take years to wade my way through the debris he has left behind - and I mean that both literally and figuratively.
Dropped. Abandoned. Hated. Disrespected. Left to support myself and our children emotionally physically and financially. I say 'our' - but the reality is they are mine. I've done (virtually) everything for them - always have. When he left it became very clear that he was never an all in father anyway. He was there when it was convenient to him - not when the children needed him.
I've also come to realize I am a good actor. Really good. Way-better-than-I-ever-thought-I-could-be good. I'm good at hiding the truth - covering up the awful, closing that door, pulling up my boot straps, flashing my not so pearly whites, dealing with it and letting no one know what's really behind door number 1.
I was living in a nightmare. Mark was miserable - and I mean awful. He yelled at me and even yelled at the kids. I made excuses. I protected him - I gave him an out for treating me that way. He was so disrespectful. The yelling. The disrespect. The meanness. The accusations. The anger. The resentment. And I blamed it all on a depression. Letting people in would have been a betrayal of Mark - I covered it up because I was protecting him. Crazy what love will do to a person.
According to him, it was my turn to support the family. He had done his share and now he was done. 'Louisa, I can't do it anymore. I want out. I want this to end.' He accused me of taking all his money, stealing his money. I know I'm a broken record / but I've been blamed for so much for so many years that it still feels so good every time I write it down.
So back to changing my story.
Mark is a coward with no moral or ethical compass. He's lost any chance of ever having a normal relationship with his children. He singlehandedly will be the one responsible for all the hours they will spend in therapy. And he doesn't even understand what he's done and the enormity of the damage he's done to our young adult children. Instead of looking at himself - he points the figure at me. And I quote - transcribed from our last phone call in August 2017:
"I am sorry Louisa, you are not ready to act normal.
What you are doing to me and the kids is damaging.
I worked my ass off so you had lots of money. I'm really sorry someone pulled the plug so you had to carry the weight. Can you not have a little respect, Louisa?
You poisoned people around here (VT) against me, but I don't care about people around here.
I supported you for 25 years now it's your turn to pay.
I supported you for 25 years Louisa. What woman can have zero respect? What woman can keep him away from the kids?
I feel good about what I did. (when I asked him how he feels when he looks at himself in the mirror).
For 25 years I worked my ass off and pulled in a lot of money. I did a lot Louisa. I didn't even enjoy it.
Stop with the little bit of hardship you've had over the last year.
You've been absolutely 100% blocking the children from seeing me.
You should foster an environment that's healthy for the kids.
When do you realize that you have a way of turning a switch? You have a problem and it doesn't work with me. You have a way of not being able to close this. You need to learn this. Louisa, let me tell you. I hope you listen to what I say. You need to learn how to listen and you need to give in and have empathy.
You have no empathy.
If there was extra money I would buy a house down the road. I'd take some furniture and the kids would come down. I can't do that because after 25 years of working I have nothing. I deserve some respect too.
(then when talking about my work he said):
You did it off my back Louisa - you have a wealthy business off of what I was doing here.
Have some respect Louisa. You could make a difference by having our kids realize that we can do things together. So we can show unity.
I have no home Louisa and one day they will look at you Louisa and say, "it's not fair. Dad did a lot."
I worked a long time Louisa. I tried.
You have the money. Not me. the money is gone. Would you like to get me a house here? I need a place to stay over here. Would you ever consider to leave and go to your parents for a week so I could stay here with the kids? And the kids would say "wow Mom is so nice.".
I don't have a place Louisa and our kids are suffering because of that.
It hurts me Louisa when you spend time with my siblings and act like everything is normal. You should have decency for Mark,
(when I asked him to explain this - because I don't understand that sentiment, he said):
You go around and pretend everything is ok and yet you don't give a fuck about me.
That hurts.
Have some respect.
I don't have any money.
I want a place.
I love my kids.
Are you stupid or what?
You need to change the way you treat me. You can't go around and be normal with my siblings.
My parents are pretty damn normal and they want what's best for the kids. But you are going to have to change.
You have to understand something, of course my parents are listening to me and believing me.
Oh they know what's going on Louisa. You have to stop slandering me. I'm their son. the way you treat me. There are things you have done.
(I asked - like what?)
Oh Louisa we are not going into THAT again. Things are not right. You're going to have to change Louisa
They know things are not right.
They don't care about what you feel.
(then we talked about what went down when he told Anna that he was living with the woman)
Louisa you should have looked at it in a different way. Understood that it's normal for me to do this. Help her with that. It was ok to move in. You made her fearful Louisa.
What you've done with the kids is extremely difficult. You're making it more difficult.
Anna and I have our own relationship. I know what I said to her. I know she was fine with it with me. I worked it out fine with her. Point blank Louisa you are not correct. (when I said Anna struggled with this).
You're ill Louisa.
I take the time to see my kids Louisa. You should be respectful. Where's the house down the road. Please have a little respect Louisa, I don't have a place.
Is it my choice that I made all the money and the money is gone?
I don't see anybody over hear helping to give me a job.
You should be respectful. I feel very bad about not seeing them.
Louisa you will never learn. You don't know how to take your own responsibility. You're the one who always has to win. Not fair.
i just wish that we could do something together.
I have real issues. I don't get to see my kids.
Do you think the kids always want to to out to meals and play golf?
They would like that I have a place too.
Would have been nice if you went to your Mom's. Now that would have been nice.
I earned a lot of money.
(I told him he was lucky to be walking away with the money that he is - and he went crazy):
You're so frickin mean. What gives you the right to say that to me? You have to think about what you said Louisa.
We were lucky that I stayed in Switzerland. We were lucky I stayed there so I could get the unemployment.
You are not a compassionate person Louisa. It's one of the lowest things you've said. So don't say I am lucky to walk away with that money. Take it back and say your sorry Louisa."
I only recently started to feel anger towards him. I can't even stand writing his name or looking at the written name M-a-r-k.
"Karma will get him" and "What goes around comes around" are common things I hear people say about him.
I've been so overwhelmed by the financial responsibilities he's left on my shoulders and my very bleak financial future that I've had a hard time pulling out of my depression. Yes. I think I'm depressed. And actually I can't believe it's taken this long for me to get depressed.
It's understandable that I'm depressed. I should be depressed. How could I not be depressed?
It's so incredibly hard to wake up every day and realize this is my life. It's not a nightmare. It's not what I've chosen. And I haven't done anything to deserve what he's done to me. I am not perfect, but deserve all this? No. No one deserves what I have have had to endure. No one.
No one even cares anymore about what Mark did to me. It's old news. Passé. It happened. It's over. The divorce is final. The divorce - as though it was one event and now everything should be fine as I should move on.
Really? Twenty seven years married. 32 together. I'm 51. You do the math. You don't just move on. It took years to get here. It will take years to wade my way through the debris he has left behind - and I mean that both literally and figuratively.
Dropped. Abandoned. Hated. Disrespected. Left to support myself and our children emotionally physically and financially. I say 'our' - but the reality is they are mine. I've done (virtually) everything for them - always have. When he left it became very clear that he was never an all in father anyway. He was there when it was convenient to him - not when the children needed him.
I've also come to realize I am a good actor. Really good. Way-better-than-I-ever-thought-I-could-be good. I'm good at hiding the truth - covering up the awful, closing that door, pulling up my boot straps, flashing my not so pearly whites, dealing with it and letting no one know what's really behind door number 1.
I was living in a nightmare. Mark was miserable - and I mean awful. He yelled at me and even yelled at the kids. I made excuses. I protected him - I gave him an out for treating me that way. He was so disrespectful. The yelling. The disrespect. The meanness. The accusations. The anger. The resentment. And I blamed it all on a depression. Letting people in would have been a betrayal of Mark - I covered it up because I was protecting him. Crazy what love will do to a person.
According to him, it was my turn to support the family. He had done his share and now he was done. 'Louisa, I can't do it anymore. I want out. I want this to end.' He accused me of taking all his money, stealing his money. I know I'm a broken record / but I've been blamed for so much for so many years that it still feels so good every time I write it down.
So back to changing my story.
Mark is a coward with no moral or ethical compass. He's lost any chance of ever having a normal relationship with his children. He singlehandedly will be the one responsible for all the hours they will spend in therapy. And he doesn't even understand what he's done and the enormity of the damage he's done to our young adult children. Instead of looking at himself - he points the figure at me. And I quote - transcribed from our last phone call in August 2017:
"I am sorry Louisa, you are not ready to act normal.
What you are doing to me and the kids is damaging.
I worked my ass off so you had lots of money. I'm really sorry someone pulled the plug so you had to carry the weight. Can you not have a little respect, Louisa?
You poisoned people around here (VT) against me, but I don't care about people around here.
I supported you for 25 years now it's your turn to pay.
I supported you for 25 years Louisa. What woman can have zero respect? What woman can keep him away from the kids?
I feel good about what I did. (when I asked him how he feels when he looks at himself in the mirror).
For 25 years I worked my ass off and pulled in a lot of money. I did a lot Louisa. I didn't even enjoy it.
Stop with the little bit of hardship you've had over the last year.
You've been absolutely 100% blocking the children from seeing me.
You should foster an environment that's healthy for the kids.
When do you realize that you have a way of turning a switch? You have a problem and it doesn't work with me. You have a way of not being able to close this. You need to learn this. Louisa, let me tell you. I hope you listen to what I say. You need to learn how to listen and you need to give in and have empathy.
You have no empathy.
If there was extra money I would buy a house down the road. I'd take some furniture and the kids would come down. I can't do that because after 25 years of working I have nothing. I deserve some respect too.
(then when talking about my work he said):
You did it off my back Louisa - you have a wealthy business off of what I was doing here.
Have some respect Louisa. You could make a difference by having our kids realize that we can do things together. So we can show unity.
I have no home Louisa and one day they will look at you Louisa and say, "it's not fair. Dad did a lot."
I worked a long time Louisa. I tried.
You have the money. Not me. the money is gone. Would you like to get me a house here? I need a place to stay over here. Would you ever consider to leave and go to your parents for a week so I could stay here with the kids? And the kids would say "wow Mom is so nice.".
I don't have a place Louisa and our kids are suffering because of that.
It hurts me Louisa when you spend time with my siblings and act like everything is normal. You should have decency for Mark,
(when I asked him to explain this - because I don't understand that sentiment, he said):
You go around and pretend everything is ok and yet you don't give a fuck about me.
That hurts.
Have some respect.
I don't have any money.
I want a place.
I love my kids.
Are you stupid or what?
You need to change the way you treat me. You can't go around and be normal with my siblings.
My parents are pretty damn normal and they want what's best for the kids. But you are going to have to change.
You have to understand something, of course my parents are listening to me and believing me.
Oh they know what's going on Louisa. You have to stop slandering me. I'm their son. the way you treat me. There are things you have done.
(I asked - like what?)
Oh Louisa we are not going into THAT again. Things are not right. You're going to have to change Louisa
They know things are not right.
They don't care about what you feel.
(then we talked about what went down when he told Anna that he was living with the woman)
Louisa you should have looked at it in a different way. Understood that it's normal for me to do this. Help her with that. It was ok to move in. You made her fearful Louisa.
What you've done with the kids is extremely difficult. You're making it more difficult.
Anna and I have our own relationship. I know what I said to her. I know she was fine with it with me. I worked it out fine with her. Point blank Louisa you are not correct. (when I said Anna struggled with this).
You're ill Louisa.
I take the time to see my kids Louisa. You should be respectful. Where's the house down the road. Please have a little respect Louisa, I don't have a place.
Is it my choice that I made all the money and the money is gone?
I don't see anybody over hear helping to give me a job.
You should be respectful. I feel very bad about not seeing them.
Louisa you will never learn. You don't know how to take your own responsibility. You're the one who always has to win. Not fair.
i just wish that we could do something together.
I have real issues. I don't get to see my kids.
Do you think the kids always want to to out to meals and play golf?
They would like that I have a place too.
Would have been nice if you went to your Mom's. Now that would have been nice.
I earned a lot of money.
(I told him he was lucky to be walking away with the money that he is - and he went crazy):
You're so frickin mean. What gives you the right to say that to me? You have to think about what you said Louisa.
We were lucky that I stayed in Switzerland. We were lucky I stayed there so I could get the unemployment.
You are not a compassionate person Louisa. It's one of the lowest things you've said. So don't say I am lucky to walk away with that money. Take it back and say your sorry Louisa."
Whenever I re-read these statements, it reminds me of how crazy and twisted his reality is. And to think his parents support him. I wonder what he's told them? I think I know - that I always interrupted him, that I didn't respect him, that I was too strong etc etc. Lies. Don't get me wrong - I am not perfect. No where near perfect and I can be stubborn but no one is perfect and when I agreed to marry Mark I agreed to accept and love him and all his imperfections. One just has to look at where we lived and what we did - it was EVERYTHING HE wanted, not me, I blindly loved and supported him. I was too blind. My fault for not waking up years earlier and kicking him out for treating me the way he did.
For me, reading these words he spoke to me only prove to me that he is mentally not well, that his depression is real and that he needs help. And as long as he's supported, both financially and emotionally by his affair and his family, he will never get help. They are empowering his reality. I may never want to see him again or have him be a part of my life - but for the sake of my children? they deserve a mentally healthy father who isn't manipulating them. I cringe when I think of how he has manipulated Anna. Looks like the boys can see right through him - but Anna? Her compassion and empathy for him seem to have a higher place that her anger - which will one day change as she grows up and can see the true impact of what he's done to her. I've worked so hard their entire lives supporting them and encouraging them with my love and positive reinforcement to help build strong, confident, independent, solving problem adults. His actions have put all that hard work in jeopardy.
I only recently started to feel anger towards him. I can't even stand writing his name or looking at the written name M-a-r-k.
"Karma will get him" and "What goes around comes around" are common things I hear people say about him.
I've been so overwhelmed by the financial responsibilities he's left on my shoulders and my very bleak financial future that I've had a hard time pulling out of my depression. Yes. I think I'm depressed. And actually I can't believe it's taken this long for me to get depressed.
It's understandable that I'm depressed. I should be depressed. How could I not be depressed?
It's so incredibly hard to wake up every day and realize this is my life. It's not a nightmare. It's not what I've chosen. And I haven't done anything to deserve what he's done to me. I am not perfect, but deserve all this? No. No one deserves what I have have had to endure. No one.
So how am I going to change my story? Well, my plan is flip a switch and be thankful he's gone and out of my life. The financial piece is still hard to swallow, but I think I have to focus on today and not tomorrow. I have to because as I've learned, you may think you know what your future is going to look like but the reality is at the end of the you never really have control over it all and you have to learn how to go with the flow and adjust your plans and goals based on the twists, turns and realities of life.
If he was here he'd be telling me what to do, he'd be complaining about all the things I don't do. He'd be yelling at me, degrading me, chiseling away at my self confidence, calling me fat etc. In the end he wasn't a nice person. He was mean - to his very core. Even his face contorted as he would yell at me. I always wanted to capture it in a photo and of course - that sent him even more over the edge.
My neighbor gave me really good advise. She told me that I have way too many balls in the air and when that happens you can only reach overhead and grab one at a time. And while you're working on getting rid of that ball - don't think about the others. They are not going away so deal with one ball at a time. She's right - but with all that I have going on - it can be hard.
Hmm. Let's see what I have going on:
1. dealing with rebuilding of Carriage Barn
2. having to go through all my personal belongings in the carriage barn that were destroyed
3. having to go through all of Mark's stuff that he left behind
4. refinancing the house
5. a startup - where I just lost my co-founder - and has no/minimal funding
6. another job for a startup that might be soon out of funding
7. Anna's health issues
and then all the usuals taxes, the house, the dog, three children, four cars, the bills, the garden etc etc.
No comments:
Post a Comment