The rings

In my journey of recovering from a pretty awful breakup and divorce. I'm finding there are so many steps, so many checkboxes to tick. I had no idea the number of layers of me that were attached to him. I guess it makes sense, I met him when I was 18 so so much of who I am and who I became was connected, if not greatly influenced by him, our relationship and the experiences we had together.

Yesterday I checked another box. I've had a padded silk bag full of jewelry that was broken in some way or another. Even though my engagement ring wasn't technically broken - the union, the partnership, the bond, the love that it represented was broken. It was where it was meant to be - with the other broken jewelry. In my head, I've been dreaming of a new ring I wanted. I looked online but couldn't find exactly what I wanted and, not to mention, I couldn't afford them anyway. So the bag sat in the small bottom drawer of my nightstand for years. And I mean years. It's been 8 years since I took off my engagement ring. Eight long years.

Last weekend I met a local jeweler and told him my ideas of what I wanted for a ring. He showed me some photos and we agreed on exactly what I wanted. I told him I'd be in this week. And for some reason the week cruised by and I didn't manage to get in to see him until Friday afternoon. I now get what that "for some reason" was. I put all my broken jewelry on the black velvet square on the counter and we went through the rings, the diamonds, broken necklaces and chose which diamonds I'd use to make my new ring. I already knew what I wanted for the new ring  -  the center diamond would be from my engagement ring and the two side diamonds would be from the ring I got for our fifth anniversary, also the year Jack was born. 

I loved both rings. Had loved both rings. Still loved both rings. They were broken, hidden away in a bag for so many years and it was time to let them go. The jeweler was going to take the rings, take out the stones, use some of them, give the others back and then give me credit for the gold in the rings. 

The rings were lying there on a black square piece of velvet as we discussed my design. He then got out a small plastic bag and started to pick up the rings. Wait, I said. Does this mean I will never see those rings again? Yes, he said. I must have known subconsciously all these years - but it hit me right then and there. As I'm standing at the counter a wave came over me. I was never going to see these rings again, in particular my engagement ring. It symbolized so many incredibly happy years of getting engaged in Paris, when Mark carried the ring in his pocket all day and couldn't find the right spot to ask me until late in the evening in a tiny restaurant where the entire restaurant witnessed the ask and the yes and all applauded. It was magical.

I was releasing two of the physical symbols of my marriage to Mark. The mini nano second pang took me by surprise. Gone. Just like everything else except for the memories. In a couple of weeks, I'll have something new, new to me, designed by me and to be worn proudly by me. The gold will be new but the diamonds are from the rings. It was the rings in their entirety that meant something - not the diamonds. The diamonds are a reminder of how far I have come and it's my past and coming to terms with my past that have made me who I am today. 

In Paris, May 1990 the day after getting engaged.

My bachelorette party when Mark was the surprise limo driver to take me away. I had hardly seen him over the past 2.5 months since I'd been in SE Asia.

Our rehearsal dinner, August 24th, 1990 at the Wellesley Country Club. See the ring.

His toast to me.

At the wedding. See the ring.

Leaving the church.

Engagement ring on ring finger but not fitting over the knuckle! From Berkowitsch Jewelers, Augustinergasse 48, 8001 Zurich.

Loved this ring.

The last time I saw the rings, Friday May 13, 2022

*****

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I got this beautiful reply from Dad:

Dearest L, 

What a well-told story! What  a brave, honest, and hopeful confrontation with past and future at a single moment - the hinge between past and future - when you used your old  rings to arrange and consider the intersection of what was and what will be. And you had the courage to choose the new ring and a new future. Your words and the attached photographs of bygone days had me in tears. 

With much admiration and lots of love, Dad