I have spent the past 4 years on a roller coaster. The man I loved and (in the end) was married to for 27 years decided he didn't love me anymore, betrayed me again by having an affair, abandoned our children and me physically, emotionally and financially.
I've been in years of therapy learning to deal with what I have been through. Why? How? He told me he didn't love me - which was devastating - but the lies, the disrespect the utter meanness that followed as he executed his escape from our marriage and from his financial obligations was so devastating, it will probably take me years to come to terms with it all.
I have let go - I no longer want him in my life and would be happy to never see him again. When he looks at me he is filled with so much anger and resentment. I don't need that. I didn't take his money, I didn't steal his money like he's blamed me of doing. We raised a family. Three beautiful children who didn't deserve what he has done.
Why couldn't he have exited in a respectful manner? I don't love you anymore, and I know this is so hurtful and painful so I want to be respectful and understand what you are going through. What I've learned is that he was not capable of doing this. He doesn't have any compassion or empathy - even for the kids. The more I've read and researched (yes, i've read plenty of books about partners who have exited marriages in this way) he is not alone. There is a script for this type of cruel exit.
There is. And it's written by the narcissists in this world. He is a full blown narcissist. Somehow I ended up getting emails from Quora - I was probably googling around one day about narcism and came across a post so I signed up. I've learned from all the people who have posted on there about their lives being in a relationship with a narcissist. It's explained so much to be and made me realize I am not alone.
This post in particular outlines my marriage perfectly. The rages. Exactly. And always in our home - never in public. Well, sometimes people would be there at home with us when he'd go into a rage - usually after drinking:
"He felt I was blaming him which I was not and the people we were sitting with were absolutely dumbfounded at his reaction. The Narcissist cannot put things in perspective, and situations are blown way out of proportion."
This describes what would go on in our house all the time. I'd ask how was your day? And he'd hear "Did you make any money?". And because the answer was usually no, he'd think I was blaming him for not making anymore. Um, hello? I asked how your day was - not if you made any money. And off he'd go. I don't respect him, he made millions, he's amazing, I'm not grateful. I can't even count how many times he yelled those words to me, especially in the last 7 years of our marriage. I would look at him in disbelief and I would argue back - trying to hard to explain to him that all I asked him was how was your day? "No. No. No. ", he'd say. No, I know all you really care about is if I make money so this is your way of asking if I made any money. I could tell him a thousand times, over and over again - that's not true. Don't twist my words, don't give my words other meaning. Listen to the words. But all to no avail.
And because I argued back - he gave me the label of always having to win. He said I always thought I was right. Well, when I ask "how was your day?" and you think I said "did you earn any money?". Yep. I am right. I didn't ask you if you earned money so stop telling me I did. And by the way, he left every argument. He would get up and go to bed or watch TV, leaving me in the room alone.
And the yelling - it was bad. I'd usually end up downstairs sitting on the steps into the laundry room crying, sobbing with sadness and frustration that he couldn't hear me.
Now that I look back - he didn't care that he was hurting my feelings. He does not apologize. In our 27 years of marriage I heard the words, "I'm sorry" once. And that was when I took him back after his first affair. He said he was sorry. But only once. Interesting tid bit about that affair? We went into couples therapy and he told the therapist that I was spending all his money, and that the house was expensive and the kids were expensive etc etc. To which the therapist told him - she is not a dollar sign, your wife shouldn't represent the costs in your life. But he did. And that was my red flag - a red flag I heard, but never validated enough to warrant staying in therapy. I loved him and believed in him - so when he told me he loved me and was so happy to be back married to me, I believed him.
Anyway, I stopped asking him how his day was. But that backfired too, because then he'd yell at me that I didn't care about him. I couldn't win.
And all I saw was a depressed man, who had placed his self worth on how much was in his bank account. As he made less money, we were spending our savings to make ends meet, his self esteem went down, depression, anger and resentment set it.
Anger and resentment? Yes, he was angry at me because I took and stole all his money. He resented me because he didn't like my view on money and jobs and building a business etc. While being a stay at home mom I build a website, figured out how to monetize it, grew it and all while everyone in the house was asleep. Yes, I worked on this website into the wee hours of the night. I loved it and it made enough to cover our health insurance. I didn't want it to get so big that it would take me away from my children. My plan was that it was going to give me some work experience so that when the kids were up and out I could get a job and help with bringing money into the family.
I was right - it was a calculated plan. I did get jobs thanks to that experience. But it backfired on my marriage. He told me - I should "thank him for giving the opportunity to create that website", "that I built that website off the sweat of his back."
Don't believe me? I have recordings, I have emails, texts and I have numerous dairy entries where I would write as he spoke - well yelled at me.
I never had a chance. I thought I was there to help him, but instead I was the reason he was so miserable. I loved him with all my heart and I could see what was happening and what I thought he needed. He needed help - he needed to talk to someone and sort out his unhealthy relationship with money. But instead he left, jumped into an affair, lied, betrayed, yelled and abandoned me.
Going through the divorce and all his demands was also crazy. But I'll save that for another post.
and ps this is another interesting post on narcissism.
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