Forgiveness

Forgiveness is hard, about you, a journey and the ultimate freedom. Forgiveness does not mean that you think what the person did is ok. It does not mean you need to have that person in your life ever again.

I honestly never thought I could forgive him. The laundry list of what he did to me that deserved an apology was long and populated with some pretty awful things. Betrayal, anger, resentment, lies, broken trust, massive disrespect, yelling, swearing, name calling, lack of financial support, the trying to get alimony from me in the divorce(!!), the disappearance from parenting - just to name a few. Pretty much the only thing not on the list was physical abuse. And for that, I am thankful.

I honestly felt and expected that he would and should take responsibility for all the above and own it. Admit that he did all that and say he was sorry. After the divorce he kept telling his family and the kids that he really wanted to have a relationship with me - to which I said that he'd have to acknowledge and apologize for that to ever happen.

When I started therapy in 2016 the first thing Alison asked me was what I wanted out of the sessions with her. "I don't want to be angry", I told her becauseI know that anger and resentment only hurt - no wait, DESTROY the person who holds it.

The first thing I did was identify all the things I thought he owed me an apology for. It was hard to believe how much there was when I saw it in list format. It was so much I think I already knew he was never going to own it all. No way. But I still wanted it. 

Then I had to really come to terms with the fact that he was never going to apologize or take responsibility for any of it. And that meant that I had to let go of my expectations - ie have none. And that was hard. I did a lot of writing emails to him that I only sent myself and that helped a lot. When I hit send it really didn't matter that my words weren't going to him because he'd never "hear" them anyway. 

The other thing was that at that point we weren't communicating anyway - so there was no way we could even have a conversation about all he did. I was going to have to do this alone and make it all about me. A healthier me.

As the months crept on I found myself crying less - yes, I cried myself to sleep every night for a long time - hurting, in pain, suffering a huge loss and in total disbelief that the man I loved could do any of this to me and not seem to care enough to even apologize. The financial part was really tough. I had bills to pay and he would just say that he had done it for 25 years and now it was my turn. Financial insecurity is an entirely different kind of hell.

I started to be ok with the fact that I had no idea what my future held and almost started to thrive on the idea that I didn't know. And once you accept that fully it's actually kind of exciting to NOT know. Now I think life would be boring if I knew because I'm open to any idea or opportunity and just seeing where it goes. Some of my favorite experiences have come from my spontaneity. 

Years went by and I was slowly realizing that I didn't have that expectation that he would ever apologize. That was huge. I accepted it. He's never going to apologize. 

I did some reading about forgiveness where I learned that forgiving doesn't mean that I have to actually talk to him and say I forgive you. In fact, I could forgive and never see him again. And most importantly I never really understood that when you forgive it's for you - a gift you give yourself because you're releasing any anger or resentment and the past. And the past. 

So I made the decision to forgive, give myself that gift and close the door on the past.

None of this happened overnight. It's been a long road with the past two years really being the ones that threw me to the other side. Things fell into place (ok that made it sound much easier than it was) with my many jobs. I love what I do, I feel so proud of my work. I have a purpose everyday and I am passionate about all I do. And somehow all of this made me realize the importance of letting go - living in the present. Today. And living through a lens of open awareness, love, gratitude, appreciation and being true to me.

It wasn't easy, in fact it was all just awful, but I am also so proud of the journey and path I've taken and I've put it all behind me. I feel a joy and a fire and excitement from within that I can't really put words to. At least not yet.