Change MY Story

After 3 months of soaking in the reality of what he has done to me - and to my children - and how miserable I have felt. Depressed. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Cheated. Etc, I'm going to dig even deeper and try to change MY story.

No one even cares anymore about what Mark did to me. It's old news. Passé. It happened. It's over. The divorce is final. The divorce - as though it was one event and now everything should be fine as I should move on.

Really? Twenty seven years married. 32 together. I'm 51. You do the math. You don't just move on. It took years to get here. It will take years to wade my way through the debris he has left behind - and I mean that both literally and figuratively.

Dropped. Abandoned. Hated. Disrespected. Left to support myself and our children emotionally physically and financially. I say 'our' - but the reality is they are mine. I've done (virtually) everything for them - always have. When he left it became very clear that he was never an all in father anyway. He was there when it was convenient to him - not when the children needed him.

I've also come to realize I am a good actor. Really good. Way-better-than-I-ever-thought-I-could-be good. I'm good at hiding the truth - covering up the awful, closing that door, pulling up my boot straps, flashing my not so pearly whites, dealing with it and letting no one know what's really behind door number 1. 

I was living in a nightmare. Mark was miserable - and I mean awful. He yelled at me  and even yelled at the kids. I made excuses. I protected him - I gave him an out for treating me that way. He was so disrespectful. The yelling. The disrespect. The meanness. The accusations. The anger. The resentment. And I blamed it all on a depression. Letting people in would have been a betrayal of Mark - I covered it up because I was protecting him. Crazy what love will do to a person.

According to him, it was my turn to support the family. He had done his share and now he was done. 'Louisa, I can't do it anymore. I want out. I want this to end.' He accused me of taking all his money, stealing his money. I know I'm a broken record / but I've been blamed for so much for so many years that it still feels so good every time I write it down.

So back to changing my story.

Mark is a coward with no moral or ethical compass. He's lost any chance of ever having a normal relationship with his children. He singlehandedly will be the one responsible for all the hours they will spend in therapy. And he doesn't even understand what he's done and the enormity of the damage he's done to our young adult children. Instead of looking at himself - he points the figure at me. And I quote - transcribed from our last phone call in August 2017:

"I am sorry Louisa, you are not ready to act normal.

What you are doing to me and the kids is damaging.

I worked my ass off so you had lots of money. I'm really sorry someone pulled the plug so you had to carry the weight. Can you not have a little respect, Louisa?

You poisoned people around here (VT) against me, but I don't care about people around here.

I supported you for 25 years now it's your turn to pay.

I supported you for 25 years Louisa. What woman can have zero respect? What woman can keep him away from the kids?

I feel good about what I did. (when I asked him how he feels when he looks at himself in the mirror).

For 25 years I worked my ass off and pulled in a lot of money. I did a lot Louisa. I didn't even enjoy it.

Stop with the little bit of hardship you've had over the last year. 

You've been absolutely 100% blocking the children from seeing me.

You should foster an environment that's healthy for the kids.

When do you realize that you have a way of turning a switch? You have a problem and it doesn't work with me. You have a way of not being able to close this. You need to learn this. Louisa, let me tell you. I hope you listen to what I say. You need to learn how to listen and you need to give in and have empathy.

You have no empathy.

If there was extra money I would buy a house down the road. I'd take some furniture and the kids would come down. I can't do that because after 25 years of working I have nothing. I deserve some respect too.

(then when talking about my work he said):

You did it off my back Louisa - you have a wealthy business off of what I was doing here.

Have some respect Louisa. You could make a difference by having our kids realize that we can do things together. So we can show unity.

I have no home Louisa and one day they will look at you Louisa and say, "it's not fair. Dad did a lot."

I worked a long time Louisa. I tried.

You have the money. Not me. the money is gone. Would you like to get me a house here? I need a place to stay over here. Would you ever consider to leave and go to your parents for a week so I could stay here with the kids? And the kids would say "wow Mom is so nice.".

I don't have a place Louisa and our kids are suffering because of that.

It hurts me Louisa when you spend time with my siblings and act like everything is normal. You should have decency for Mark,

(when I asked him to explain this - because I don't understand that sentiment, he said):

You go around and pretend everything is ok and yet you don't give a fuck about me.
That hurts.
Have some respect.
I don't have any money.
I want a place.
I love my kids.

Are you stupid or what?

You need to change the way you treat me. You can't go around and be normal with my siblings.

My parents are pretty damn normal and they want what's best for the kids. But you are going to have to change.

You have to understand something, of course my parents are listening to me and believing me.

Oh they know what's going on Louisa. You have to stop slandering me. I'm their son. the way you treat me. There are things you have done.

(I asked - like what?)

Oh Louisa we are not going into THAT again. Things are not right. You're going to have to change Louisa

They know things are not right.

They don't care about what you feel.

(then we talked about what went down when he told Anna that he was living with the woman)

Louisa you should have looked at it in a different way. Understood that it's normal for me to do this. Help her with that. It was ok to move in. You made her fearful Louisa.

What you've done with the kids is extremely difficult. You're making it more difficult.

Anna and I have our own relationship. I know what I said to her. I know she was fine with it with me. I worked it out fine with her. Point blank Louisa you are not correct. (when I said Anna struggled with this).

You're ill Louisa. 

I take the time to see my kids Louisa. You should be respectful. Where's the house down the road. Please have a little respect Louisa, I don't have a place.

Is it my choice that I made all the money and the money is gone?

I don't see anybody over hear helping to give me a job.

You should be respectful. I feel very bad about not seeing them.

Louisa you will never learn. You don't know how to take your own responsibility. You're the one who always has to win. Not fair.

i just wish that we could do something together.

I have real issues. I don't get to see my kids.

Do you think the kids always want to to out to meals and play golf?

They would like that I have a place too.

Would have been nice if you went to your Mom's. Now that would have been nice.

I earned a lot of money.

(I told him he was lucky to be walking away with the money that he is - and he went crazy):

You're so frickin mean. What gives you the right to say that to me? You have to think about what you said Louisa.

We were lucky that I stayed in Switzerland. We were lucky I stayed there so I could get the unemployment.

You are not a compassionate person Louisa. It's one of the lowest things you've said. So don't say I am lucky to walk away with that money. Take it back and say your sorry Louisa."

Whenever I re-read these statements, it reminds me of how crazy and twisted his reality is. And to think his parents support him. I wonder what he's told them? I think I know - that I always interrupted him, that I didn't respect him, that I was too strong etc etc. Lies. Don't get me wrong - I am not perfect. No where near perfect and I can be stubborn but no one is perfect and when I agreed to marry Mark I agreed to accept and love him and all his imperfections. One just has to look at where we lived and what we did - it was EVERYTHING HE wanted, not me, I blindly loved and supported him. I was too blind. My fault for not waking up years earlier and kicking him out for treating me the way he did.

For me, reading these words he spoke to me only prove to me that he is mentally not well, that his depression is real and that he needs help. And as long as he's supported, both financially and emotionally by his affair and his family, he will never get help. They are empowering his reality. I may never want to see him again or have him be a part of my life - but for the sake of my children? they deserve a mentally healthy father who isn't manipulating them. I cringe when I think of how he has manipulated Anna. Looks like the boys can see right through him - but Anna? Her compassion and empathy for him seem to have a higher place that her anger - which will one day change as she grows up and can see the true impact of what he's done to her. I've worked so hard their entire lives supporting them and encouraging them with my love and positive reinforcement to help build strong, confident, independent, solving problem adults. His actions have put all that hard work in jeopardy.

I only recently started to feel anger towards him. I can't even stand writing his name or looking at the written name M-a-r-k.

"Karma will get him" and "What goes around comes around" are common things I hear people say about him. 

I've been so overwhelmed by the financial responsibilities he's left on my shoulders and my very bleak financial future that I've had a hard time pulling out of my depression. Yes. I think I'm depressed. And actually I can't believe it's taken this long for me to get depressed.

It's understandable that I'm depressed. I should be depressed. How could I not be depressed?

It's so incredibly hard to wake up every day and realize this is my life. It's not a nightmare. It's not what I've chosen. And I haven't done anything to deserve what he's done to me. I am not perfect, but deserve all this? No. No one deserves what I have have had to endure. No one. 

So how am I going to change my story? Well, my plan is flip a switch and be thankful he's gone and out of my life. The financial piece is still hard to swallow, but I think I have to focus on today and not tomorrow. I have to because as I've learned, you may think you know what your future is going to look like but the reality is at the end of the you never really have control over it all and you have to learn how to go with the flow and adjust your plans and goals based on the twists, turns and realities of life. 

If he was here he'd be telling me what to do, he'd be complaining about all the things I don't do. He'd be yelling at me, degrading me, chiseling away at my self confidence, calling me fat etc. In the end he wasn't a nice person. He was mean - to his very core. Even his face contorted as he would yell at me. I always wanted to capture it in a photo and of course - that sent him even more over the edge.

My neighbor gave me really good advise. She told me that I have way too many balls in the air and when that happens you can only reach overhead and grab one at a time. And while you're working on getting rid of that ball - don't think about the others. They are not going away so deal with one ball at a time. She's right - but with all that I have going on - it can be hard.

Hmm. Let's see what I have going on:

1. dealing with rebuilding of Carriage Barn

2. having to go through all my personal belongings in the carriage barn that were destroyed

3. having to go through all of Mark's stuff that he left behind

4. refinancing the house

5. a startup - where I just lost my co-founder - and has no/minimal funding

6. another job for a startup that might be soon out of funding

7. Anna's health issues

and then all the usuals taxes, the house, the dog, three children, four cars, the bills, the garden etc etc.

Resilience and Responsibility

My dear children,

As I've been moving on these past few months (which have been some of the most difficult), I've had a lot of time to reflect. I've learned a lot about resilience and discovering strengths within me I never thought I had.

Resilience is something you learn. You learn that you can pick up the pieces and move on. When unexpected, bad things happen learn from them, find a silver lining, grow and take the next step. Know that there is always a silver lining and being able to pick up the pieces and put them back together in another way that allows you to move forward.

A friend (PLR) shared something with me yesterday that she saw on Facebook. She said, "Saw on FB and you exemplify this, so difficult, but empowering. You go girl!". It's Will Smith from the Evolve Blog and it's called Fault vs. Responsibility.

Now I don't know that I exemplify this and actually never thought of the way I have been dealing with this entire nightmare in these terms. But the more I think about it does describe how I have chosen to live.

It's not my fault that he cheated on me, betrayed me, lied to me and left me. Those were his decisions and he will have to live with the consequences. It's his fault, not mine. But it's never been worth my time to focus on the fault bit. I don't wish him any harm - he'll get what he deserves from making those choices. Karma. What goes around comes around.

I'm a firm believer of taking responsibility. If you make a mistake - in a friendship, at work, in a marriage, in an accident. Own it. Take responsibility that you did something wrong and be prepared to face the consequences. Say you're sorry. You can't pretend you didn't do it. You can't ignore it. It won't go away. Because you did it. But stand up, have a backbone and admit when you did something wrong and take responsibility. Not only is it the right thing to do but you will feel so good.

The same thing goes about taking responsibility for your life. Don't blame others for things wrong in your life. I could focus on blaming Dad for all the horrible he did to me. As hard as it is has been I have focusing on surviving and taking responsibility for my life. I work hard, very hard. And I'm trying my best to make my new life, whatever and wherever that might be. I'm not perfect, far from it, but do my best everyday to create something new for me and for you. Yes, he did and said all these horrible things but what I am going to doing about me? My life?

If there's anything I can teach you from this mess we've been through it's to take responsibility. If Dad had taken responsibility we wouldn't be where we are today. But because I did take responsibility we are where we are today.

We are survivors and living our lives despite choices that changed our lives forever. We have been resilient and taking responsibility. And for that I am so proud of us and how we have moved forward.

Resilience and responsibility.

Afterthoughts

I'm two months out from hearing the divorce was final. That day brought relief, a renewed energy and excitement fro my future. All that "fighting" and ridiculousness of what he wanted was finally over. A huge relief to finally be able to close that chapter.

But when I woke up the next morning, I was taken by surprise. A sadness and emptiness so unexpected had dropped it's gnarly claws into me. And heavy, weighing me down with the enormity of what had actually transpired these last years.

So many years together: three children, ups and downs, trips, adventures, jobs, international moves, new businesses, health scares and of course, his first affair.

Yes, there is the issue of that affair.

He wanted to come back and I agreed to take him back. He organized for us to renew our vows and we moved - to the place that he had always dreamed of living. His dream. Not mine. But I happily followed and lead the way to embrace our new home and community. I loved him and believed in us and the future and strength of us. After what we had been though with that first affair and the rebuilding we had done, I didn't think he'd ever cross that line again.

I was wrong.

In hindsight, he was depressed at the time of the first affair and had labeled me as the cost of his family and not as a partner raising his family. I didn't make that up - the Swiss couples therapist we went to told him that. He was right and we should have stayed in therapy to work through that connection. If I replay all the accusations in this round - I took his money, I spent his money etc etc. It's all the same thing it was in 2001. It was all masked because he was making money so didn't have to worry about. I feel bad for him that he has connected his self esteem and send worth with the amount of money he has in the bank - but that's a by product of an empty soul - someone who really has no deep emotions and lives on the peripheral of the meaning of life.

Self Portrait circa 2005

SWE South Africa trip with SWS 2011

Traits

This is from this: https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-biggest-signs-that-someone-has-narcissistic-personality-disorder

And I can't believe how well it describes what I went through:

—————-

The biggest one I struggle with is lack of empathy. It so crazy how they have none, zilch, zero but they want your empathy about everything and anything.

Two. Projection. Once you catch on and know what's really going on, it's funny how they really do project onto you what their doing. If you want to know what your Narc is up to, just listen to what he accuses you of doing.

Three. They take no accountability for anything. Absolutely nothing is their fault. It is everybody else's fault.

Four. Everything and I mean everything has to be done their way. Whatever it is you're doing, as simple as moving a couch, you will pick it up, hold it and carry it their way. There is no multiple ways to do things, just one and that theirs.

Five, grandeos ideas that are very unrealistic. My husband has been telling me for a year now he is retiring in five years as a millionaire. He doesn't have a job and it's hard to work when you're soliciting for sex online and screwing people all hours of the day.

Six. Me me me. Everything is about them. They have to be the center of attention and will do whatever it takes for you to revolve everything around them. They are good at manipulating this to happen. I neglected my children for two years and didn't see it in the moment.

Seven. They will tell you how much they hate drama and are very simple people. I would never think it's possible one person could create so much drama had I not experienced. More drama then 13 years of school. They can make drama out of dirt and they will.

Eight. If in the beginning of the relationship this person seems way too perfect…beyond that honeymoon phase adrenaline high you get when you are first with someone, Id take a step back. Listen to the things they tell you. Don't like drama, simple, if they put you on a pedestal that's over the top. Stop them at hello and say goodbye.

Nine. They have no respect for others space, time, property and/or no respect just being polite. Using manners. No need for them. They simply don't care.

Ten. Mark my words. You will become a slave to them. They will control everything you do, say, hangout with, often cutting you off from outside life. You eventually become a robot and disconnect from the world.

Last one. They never ever ever follow through on anything they say but they sure will convince you they will "this time" so you keep believing in them.

—————

Gift from MCJ from years ago!

Globus

I got a set of 4 of these bowls at Globus in 1993ish. Loved them and they always reminded me of happier days.

GMVS classic

The accusations

Late this past summer - we spoke on the phone for the last time. As he spoke I transcribed what he was writing. Here are just some of the things he said:

I am sorry, you are not ready to act normal.

What you are doing to me and the kids is damaging.

I worked my ass off so you had lots of money. I'm really sorry someone pulled the plug so you had to carry the weight. Can you not have a little respect?

You poisoned people around here against me, but I don't care about people around here.

I supported you for 25 years now it's your turn to pay.

I supported you for 25 years. What woman can have zero respect? What woman can keep him away from the kids?

I feel good about what I did. (when I asked him how he feels when he looks at himself in the mirror).

For 25 years I worked my ass off and pulled in a lot of money. I did a lot. I didn't even enjoy it.

Stop with the little bit of hardship you've had over the last year. (this is my personal favorite)

You've been absolutely 100% blocking the children from seeing me.

You should foster and environment that's healthy for the kids.

When do you realize that you have a way of turning a switch? You have a problem and it doesn't work with me. You have a way of not being able to close this. You need to learn this, let me tell you. I hope you listen to what I say. You need to learn how to listen and you need to give in and have empathy.

You have no empathy.

If there was extra money I would down the road. I'd take some furniture and the kids would come down. I can't do that because after 25 years of working I have nothing. I deserve some respect too.

(then when talking about my work he said):

You did it off my back  - you have a wealthy business off of what I was doing here.

Have some respect. You could make a difference by having our kids realize that we can do things together. So we can show unity.

I have no home and one day they will look at you and say, "it's not fair. Dad did a lot."

I worked a long time. I tried. 

You have the money. Not me. the money is gone. Would you like to get me a house here? I need a place to stay over here. Would you ever consider to leave and go to your parents for a week so I could stay here with the kids? And the kids would say "wow Mom is so nice.".

I don't have a place and our kids are suffering because of that.

It hurts me when you spend time with my siblings and act like everything is normal. You should have decency for me,

(when I asked him to explain this - because I don't understand that sentiment, he said):

You go around and pretend everything is ok and yet you don't give a fuck about me. 

That hurts. 

Have some respect. 

I don't have any money.

I want a place.

I love my kids.

Are you stupid or what?

You need to change the way you treat me. You can't go around and be normal with my siblings.

My parents are pretty damn normal and they want what's best for the kids. But you are going to have to change.

You have to understand something, of course my parents are listening to me.

Oh they know what's going on. You have to stop slandering me. I'm their son. the way you treat me. There are things you have done.

(I asked - like what?)

Oh we are not going into THAT again. Things are not right. You're going to have to change.

They know things are not right.

They don't care about what you feel.

(then we talked about what went down when he told D1 that he was living with the woman)

You should have looked at it in a different way. Understood that it's normal for me to do this. Help her with that. It was ok to move in. You made her fearful.

What you've done with the kids is extremely difficult. You're making it more difficult.

D1 and I have our own relationship. I know what I said to her. I know she was fine with it with me. I worked it out fine with her. Point blank you are not correct. (when I said D1 struggled with this).

You're ill. (this is my second favorite line)

I take the time to see my kids. You should be respectful. Where's the house down the road. Please have a little respect, I don't have a place.

Is it my choice that I made all the money and the money is gone?

I don't see anybody over here helping to give me a job.

You should be respectful. I feel very bad about not seeing them.

You will never learn. You don't know how to take your own responsibility. You're the one who always has to win. Not fair.

I just wish that we could do something together.

I have real issues. I don't get to see my kids.

Do you think the kids always want to to out to meals and play golf?

They would like that I have a place too.

Would have been nice if you went to your Mom's. Now that would have been nice.

I earned a lot of money.

(I told him he was lucky to be walking away with the money that he is - and he went crazy):

You're so frickin mean. What gives you the right to that to me? You have to think about what you say. 

We were lucky that I stayed abroad. We were lucky I stayed there so I could get the unemployment.

You are not a compassionate person. It's one of the lowest things you've said. So don't say I am lucky to walk away with that money. Take it back and say your sorry.

------

I said I was sorry. And we ended the call. There is no reasoning with this illogical, irrational thinking.

It's been quite the ride

I have spent the past 4 years on a roller coaster. The man I loved and (in the end) was married to for 27 years decided he didn't love me anymore, betrayed me again by having an affair, abandoned our children and me physically, emotionally and financially.

I've been in years of therapy learning to deal with what I have been through. Why? How? He told me he didn't love me - which was devastating - but the lies, the disrespect the utter meanness that followed as he executed his escape from our marriage and from his financial obligations was so devastating, it will probably take me years to come to terms with it all.

I have let go - I no longer want him in my life and would be happy to never see him again. When he looks at me he is filled with so much anger and resentment. I don't need that. I didn't take his money, I didn't steal his money like he's blamed me of doing. We raised a family. Three beautiful children who didn't deserve what he has done.

Why couldn't he have exited in a respectful manner? I don't love you anymore, and I know this is so hurtful and painful so I want to be respectful and understand what you are going through. What I've learned is that he was not capable of doing this. He doesn't have any compassion or empathy - even for the kids. The more I've read and researched (yes, i've read plenty of books about partners who have exited marriages in this way) he is not alone. There is a script for this type of cruel exit.

There is. And it's written by the narcissists in this world. He is a full blown narcissist. Somehow I ended up getting emails from Quora - I was probably googling around one day about narcism and came across a post so I signed up. I've learned from all the people who have posted on there about their lives being in a relationship with a narcissist. It's explained so much to be and made me realize I am not alone.

This post in particular outlines my marriage perfectly. The rages. Exactly. And always in our home - never in public. Well, sometimes people would be there at home with us when he'd go into a rage - usually after drinking:

"He felt I was blaming him which I was not and the people we were sitting with were absolutely dumbfounded at his reaction. The Narcissist cannot put things in perspective, and situations are blown way out of proportion."

This describes what would go on in our house all the time. I'd ask how was your day? And he'd hear "Did you make any money?". And because the answer was usually no, he'd think I was blaming him for not making anymore. Um, hello? I asked how your day was - not if you made any money. And off he'd go. I don't respect him, he made millions, he's amazing, I'm not grateful. I can't even count how many times he yelled those words to me, especially in the last 7 years of our marriage. I would look at him in disbelief and I would argue back - trying to hard to explain to him that all I asked him was how was your day? "No. No. No. ", he'd say. No, I know all you really care about is if I make money so this is your way of asking if I made any money. I could tell him a thousand times, over and over again - that's not true. Don't twist my words, don't give my words other meaning. Listen to the words. But all to no avail. 

And because I argued back - he gave me the label of always having to win. He said I always thought I was right. Well, when I ask "how was your day?" and you think I said "did you earn any money?". Yep. I am right. I didn't ask you if you earned money so stop telling me I did. And by the way, he left every argument. He would get up and go to bed or watch TV, leaving me in the room alone.

And the yelling - it was bad. I'd usually end up downstairs sitting on the steps into the laundry room crying, sobbing with sadness and frustration that he couldn't hear me. 

Now that I look back - he didn't care that he was hurting my feelings. He does not apologize. In our 27 years of marriage I heard the words, "I'm sorry" once. And that was when I took him back after his first affair. He said he was sorry. But only once. Interesting tid bit about that affair? We went into couples therapy and he told the therapist that I was spending all his money, and that the house was expensive and the kids were expensive etc etc. To which the therapist told him - she is not a dollar sign, your wife shouldn't represent the costs in your life. But he did. And that was my red flag - a red flag I heard, but never validated enough to warrant staying in therapy. I loved him and believed in him - so when he told me he loved me and was so happy to be back married to me, I believed him.

Anyway, I stopped asking him how his day was. But that backfired too, because then he'd yell at me that I didn't care about him. I couldn't win.

And all I saw was a depressed man, who had placed his self worth on how much was in his bank account. As he made less money, we were spending our savings to make ends meet, his self esteem went down, depression, anger and resentment set it.

Anger and resentment? Yes, he was angry at me because I took and stole all his money. He resented me because he didn't like my view on money and jobs and building a business etc. While being a stay at home mom I build a website, figured out how to monetize it, grew it and all while everyone in the house was asleep. Yes, I worked on this website into the wee hours of the night. I loved it and it made enough to cover our health insurance. I didn't want it to get so big that it would take me away from my children. My plan was that it was going to give me some work experience so that when the kids were up and out I could get a job and help with bringing money into the family.

I was right - it was a calculated plan. I did get jobs thanks to that experience. But it backfired on my marriage. He told me - I should "thank him for giving the opportunity to create that website", "that I built that website off the sweat of his back."

Don't believe me? I have recordings, I have emails, texts and I have numerous dairy entries where I would write as he spoke - well yelled at me.

I never had a chance. I thought I was there to help him, but instead I was the reason he was so miserable. I loved him with all my heart and I could see what was happening and what I thought he needed. He needed help - he needed to talk to someone and sort out his unhealthy relationship with money. But instead he left, jumped into an affair, lied, betrayed, yelled and abandoned me.

Going through the divorce and all his demands was also crazy. But I'll save that for another post.

and ps this is another interesting post on narcissism.